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Alright, let's get this straight. The Portland Thorns are heading to the NWSL playoffs. Again. Are we supposed to be impressed?
"Reward for the Players and Fans"? Please...
Coach Rob Gale is out there saying this playoff berth is a "reward for the players and the fans." Oh, really? A reward for the fans who actually paid to watch this team claw its way to third place? A team, might I add, that was supposedly written off by everyone?
Give me a break.
Deyna Castellanos and Jessie Fleming finally decided to show up and score some goals – their first in months. Good for them. Castellanos says she's "very happy" about playing in front of that crowd. Okay, I'm happy for her, but let's not pretend this was some kind of meticulously planned masterpiece. It was more like a broken clock finally telling the right time.
And Fleming? She "shook off a Dash defender." Riveting stuff.
The "Young, Inexperienced Roster" Excuse
The Thorns' management will probably spin this as some kind of underdog story. "Oh, look at our young, inexperienced roster defying expectations!" Yeah, well, maybe if they hadn't let half their team retire or go on maternity leave, they wouldn't need to rely on a bunch of rookies. It's like burning your house down and then bragging about how well you can roast marshmallows.
But, offcourse, the fans eat it up. 21,903 of them packed Providence Park. I can practically smell the overpriced stadium beer and hear the forced cheers. Are they really that easily pleased?
Speaking of beer... I'm still annoyed that the new IPA I tried last week tasted like grass clippings. Seriously, Portland, get your beer game together.
And let's not forget the Houston Dash. They came into the game already eliminated from playoff contention. So basically, the Thorns beat a team that had nothing to lose. It's like winning a race against a toddler. Sure, you won, but what did you really accomplish? The Thorns secured a home playoff game with the win over the Dash.
So, What's Next?
Now they get to face San Diego in the quarterfinals. Gale joked about wanting to play Seattle, even using ChatGPT to see if it was possible. Hilarious. Except it's not. It's just another example of the forced, manufactured "banter" that passes for entertainment these days.
Will the Thorns actually go anywhere in the playoffs? Who knows. Will they magically transform into a team of world-beaters? Doubtful. But hey, at least the fans will have something to cheer about while they're shelling out $15 for a lukewarm beer.