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Alright, let's get one thing straight: I'm so freaking tired of these companies patting themselves on the back for "beating expectations." Affirm, who? Oh yeah, the "buy now, pay later" vultures. Shares jumped 10% after hours because they "upwardly revised" their FY2026 gross merchandise volume guidance? Give me a break. Stocks making the biggest moves after hours: Airbnb, Take-Two Interactive, Peloton, Affirm and more.
The Numbers Game
So, Affirm reported quarterly earnings of 23 cents per share, which, surprise surprise, "beat" the consensus estimate of 11 cents. Revenue? $933.33 million, also "beating" the Street's estimate. Max Levchin, the CEO, is quoted as saying it "showcases the consistency of Team Affirm, once again executing to beat the band."
"Beat the band"? What is this, a freaking 1940s musical? Let's be real: all this means is that some Wall Street analysts were intentionally lowballing their estimates so Affirm could "beat" them and pump up the stock price. It's a rigged game, people, and you're all being played.
And let's not forget what Affirm actually does. They lure people into debt with their "honest financial products that improve lives." Honest? It's predatory lending dressed up in millennial-friendly marketing. They're basically saying, "Go ahead, buy that overpriced avocado toast! You can pay for it later... with interest!"
The Cookie Crumbles
Oh, and speaking of vultures, I saw some BS about NBCUniversal using "cookies" and "tracking technologies" to follow you around the internet. What does this have to do with Affirm? Everything! It's all part of the same surveillance capitalism nightmare. They track your every move, analyze your spending habits, and then target you with personalized ads for stuff you can't afford.
It's like they're saying, "We know you're struggling, but here's a shiny new gadget to distract you from your problems! Just put it on your Affirm card, and worry about it later!"
I mean, what choice do we even have anymore? You try to block these cookies, and half the websites break. It's a digital shakedown.
Second Quarter Forecast: More Hot Air?
Affirm sees second-quarter revenue in a range of $1.03 billion to $1.06 billion, versus the $1.05 billion analyst estimate. Offcourse, they do. More "beating expectations" on the horizon. More smoke and mirrors. Affirm stock gains on GMV guidance lift, Q1 earnings, revenue beats (AFRM:NASDAQ)
But here's the real question: how many people are going to default on their Affirm loans when the economy finally tanks? How many lives are going to be ruined by this "honest" financial product?
Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe everyone else is perfectly happy racking up debt to buy things they don't need. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old man yelling at clouds. But something tells me I'm not alone in feeling like this whole system is a house of cards waiting to collapse.